The Question That Bit Back
When Coaching With Questions Gets Real
I was teaching a class on coaching teams by asking better questions — the kind that invite people into the conversation instead of pushing advice onto them.
I like to call it Invitational Curiosity — where you Pull the potential out of people through genuine curiosity, rather than pushing your agenda or advice onto them.
One of the most valuable tools I’ve found on that journey is The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier. His seven question prompts are deceptively simple and surprisingly powerful — a way to break the reflex to jump straight into advice-giving.
We kicked off the session with the One Word Game — my go-to for instant engagement — then moved through a live poll and some light instruction on the seven questions.
We got to Question 3:
“What’s the real challenge here for you?”
And I decided to go off-script.
I turned to Diane, who had been multitasking a bit, and asked:
“What’s the real issue for you with what we’ve covered so far?”
She paused. Looked up from her work and into the camera. Blinked like a deer in headlights. Minimized her windows…and asked me to repeat the question.
I reframed and asked again.
She responded:
“Do you want my honest opinion?”
“Of course.”
“You’re not engaging us enough.”
That hit like a freight train.
My first thought?
"You're multitasking, and I literally just engaged you..."
But here’s the thing — she was right.
I was in a session about curiosity and engagement…
But I wasn’t practicing it with them.
I had defaulted into teaching mode — safe, structured, familiar.
But I missed the moment. I was pushing a framework instead of pulling people into the experience.
🧭 From Teaching to Tension
What happened next surprised me.
Instead of brushing off Dianne’s feedback, I leaned in.
We opened up a real conversation about what it’s actually like to be in meetings with this team. And people admitted what most teams won’t say out loud:
“We’re always multitasking.”
“I’m usually doing other work during meetings.”
“Most of the time, I’m not fully there.”
Then one leader said quietly, almost reluctantly:
“I think remote work is breaking us. People aren’t engaged. They’re doing things that have nothing to do with their job. Honestly… maybe we need to go back in person.”
The room went still.
It wasn’t a consensus.
It wasn’t a solution.
But it was real.
And since the One Word Game at the top, it was the first time we weren’t just talking about engagement — we were actually experiencing it.
🎯 Coaching Insight
That day reminded me:
Pull beats Push. Every time.
People don’t respond to perfectly framed slides — they respond to honest curiosity.
You don’t coach participation by demanding engagement — you coach it by creating space and staying present.
And if you’re going to ask real questions… be ready for real answers.
Dianne didn’t derail my session.
She gave me the gift of truth.
✨ Final Thought
You can’t fake curiosity.
You can’t fake presence.
But if you’re willing to pause, ask, and actually listen — people show up.
Even when the answers are hard.
I started strong — engaging the room, asking questions, watching the energy rise.
But somewhere along the way, I lost them. It’s easy to blame the crowd.
But the truth? I stopped being curious and started performing.
When I took responsibility — not blame, but ownership — and shifted back to asking instead of telling, the room came back to life.
Here’s what I’ve learned: Leaders don’t lead with advice. They lead with questions.
Not clever statements wearing question marks. Real questions. The kind that seek, not sell. That invite, not impress.
Because questions draw people out.
Advice, even when it’s good, often just pins them down. Curiosity is a form of care. And when people feel cared for, they lean in. They think harder. They speak more honestly.
They grow.
With that…a question. What keeps you from staying curious and, instead, going straight to giving advice or solutions?